Ok so here's this fucking thing.
I got this because my friends dad said it was a really good one and he owns a LOT of tools. He likes to show the hammer to people who come over like this guy who came to fix their roof, and the other guy who came to fix their porch, and these guys who came to build a shed in their backyard so he would have a place to put the hammer. I don't think he's actually even used it yet because it's just so cool! He does make stuff tho like one time he made this cutting board or something with some glue and it was almost as good as one from a store.
So I got this so that I could make cool stuff too but it doesn't even work right! I tried to make like a shelf but it came out all crooked and none of the shit would fit like it was supposed to! I mean it was like really expensive and it doesn't even make good shelves when I buy it? That's not fair man.
But it has real bald eagle beaks on the handle with rubies and shit. The middle part is made out of the shin bone of a guy who owned a boat and it's wrapped in gold duct tape with like some magnets or something in there and the website says that's scientifically proven to be really awesome. It also has double lasers and everybody knows those are way better.
Anyway I can't get this dumb thing to work. I tried for like an hour. So you probably have to fix it but whatever. Or you could just buy it so you can walk around with it and feel like a big man. It takes way too much gasoline to run this thing anyway I don't even want it.
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Shipping & policies
I come to your house at night and knead my scrotum out like pizza dough against your kitchen window.
I mean that's just what I'm trying to do in general. That doesn't have anything to do with our shipping policy. I'm just saying it would make it a lot easier for me to do that if you gave me your address. So it's your call.
We do not offer any shipping of any kind for any of our products. Please be advised.
EDIT: IF YOU ASK ME NICELY I MIGHT ACTUALLY SEND YOU SOME OF THE FONT POST CARDS. THEY'RE PRETTY RADICAL.
This is the part where you give me money, as I understand it. This happened to me one time and it was totally sweet. Another time, Etsy fucked it all up and I had to give the money back so that was dumb. Did you know that Etsy's spellchecker doesn't recognize "Etsy" as a real word? That's kind of weird isn't it? I mean there's a lot of stuff about this site that doesn't make sense, (not the least being my own shop), but you'd think that the admins would train the HTML spelling enzyme or whatever to learn how to spell the thing that it is... or something... Maybe if you teach a website it's own name there's a danger that it will become self aware and get really needy, or try to take over the web, or something? I don't know how it works, but the guys who make websites should know how it works probably, right? I had a website once.
EDIT: THAT WEBSITE AGAIN IS SHITTYBASKETSDOTCOM.NET DON"T GO THERE THOUGH BECAUSE YOURE ALREADY HERE. WELCOME. WELCOME TO SHITTYBASKETSDOTCOM.NET HOPE YOURE HAVING A SHOPPING EXTRAVAGANZA WHATEVER THAT MEANS
Returns & exchanges
- Custom or personalized orders
- Perishable products (like food or flowers)
- Digital downloads
- Intimate items (for health/hygiene reasons)
1. "If I buy this is what are the chances I'm going to end up with splinters in my ass?"
2. "For real though, am I going to get a bunch of splinters in my ass?"
3. "Seriously. If I buy this and I'm left with a bleeding splintery asshole that is going to be a big problem for both of us."
5. "Listen, what I'm trying to say is some of these things are made of wood."
Yeah I get it.
4. "So you're saying that I will definitely not end up with any splinters in my ass whatsoever."
Not a problem.
6. "Ok but I swear to god, dude..."
It's all good.
7. "Hey did you fuck my sister that one time?"
8. "So what's your deal anyway?"
In real life I'm a brilliant craftsman and a classically trained musician. I really do hate baskets, they're useless. I don't have any strong feelings about etsy, it seems pretty dumb but I don't know.
EDIT: SCRATCH THAT. THIS SITE IS FUCKING BULLSHIT. I'M NOT EVEN TRYING TO SELL ANYTHING AND I CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHICH WAY IS UP ON THIS PILE OF GODFORSAKEN GARBAGE. I CAN ONLY BARELY FATHOM WHAT KIND OF MERCILESS OCEAN OF SHIT THE REST OF YOU POOR IDIOTS WHO ACTUALLY TRY ARE GOING THROUGH. LIKE EVERY SINGLE TIME I SIGN IN AND *DESPERATELY* TRY TO GIVE THEM MY HARD EARNED 20 CENTS PER LISTING IT'S A WHOLE NEW 6 FOOT LONG PARTY-SUB STYLE SHIT SANDWICH TO FEAST UPON. I SERIOUSLY CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHO THE FUCK THINKS ANY OF THIS IS A GOOD IDEA. LIKE OH, HERE YOU GO YOU CAN POST SOME PICTURES ON YOUR PAGE BUT WE'RE GOING TO CROP THEM ALL FUCKED AND ALLOW EXACTLY 2 SENTENCES WORTH OF CONTEXT AND THEN WE GET TO PICK HOW IT'S ALL ORGANIZED SO THERE'S NO HOPE - JUST ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING HOPE AT ALL AT MAKING ANY SENSE OUT OF IT. SERIOUSLY THE ONLY PERSON ON THE PLANET THIS IS GOOD FOR IS ME. MY STORE HAS NEVER LOOKED LIKE SUCH A PILE OF SHIT. I COULD SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE AND NOT MAKE AN ONLINE STORE LOOK THIS SHITTY. BRAVO ETSY. I BOW TO THEE. THE NEW SHIT KING. ALL GLORY TO THE FECAL OVERLORD: ETSY.COM. GET READY FOR SHITTYBASKETS.BIGCARTEL.COM BECAUSE THIS PLACE IS THE WORST. THE FUCKING WORST.
EDIT EDIT: OH I GUESS THERE'S SOME NEW THING THEY'RE DOING WHERE YOU PAY THEM FOR IT TO NOT LOOK LIKE SHIT. THAT CHECKS OUT. YIKES PRETTY HARSH BUSINESS MODEL THO WOULDN'T YOU SAY? "FOR 15 BUCKS I WILL NOT KICK YOU IN THE FACE FOR AT LEAST A MONTH." ONCE AGAIN I HAVE NEVER FELT MORE AT HOME HERE. WHAT A BEAUTIFUL FUCKING MESS. IT'S ETSY'S BASKET, I'M JUST SHITTING IN IT.
I couldn't really say one way or another whether I believe any of the stuff I write here. I mostly do them all on the spot. Sometimes I'll go back and change stuff if I think it's badly written or not funny. I also honestly can't remember when this turned from one small joke into a stream-of-consciousness opinion blog, but maybe it was a bad idea. Except the steam punk basket, that shit is hilarious. Put that listing on my fucking tombstone, please.